I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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