You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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