all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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