Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
