I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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