when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
