my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
