well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
