If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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