i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
