I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I am midnight drunk by noon
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
