just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
