I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
