god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Randomize
