"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He felt like a one man threesome
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
