Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize