wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
