That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Randomize
