Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
