If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
