My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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