I wanna passion pit in your ass
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
