Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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