I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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