Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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