Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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