so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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