i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My ass is underappreciated
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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