I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
