our cab driver is having phone sex.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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