I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
And then he peed in my hair
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