I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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