The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
