It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize