At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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