Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
