Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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