I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
