Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
