I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Randomize
