I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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