Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize