Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize