we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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