brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
