I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
