Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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