Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
smell my finger.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize