she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
