no. you can't hotbox the world.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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