she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
