you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
