When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
