Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
