Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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