he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
