Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We left the knife in your bed.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
