When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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