Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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