I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
