I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
