I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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