I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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