I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
either way he was missing a nipple.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
