I like to think it a success when the cops are called
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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